What is Trauma ?
I don't want to answer this too clinically, too dryly, too alienating-ly. What I want to start by sharing is a moment I had about a year and a half ago, in a tiny local gathering-place in the upstate New York town my parents live in. I was there with my parents the winter before last, and one of their not-very-close friends came over to say hello. She began to ask me about what I do, and I shared with her that I was a counselor. She dug a little deeper and the topic of trauma came up. She frowned at me. “But don't you find that there are so many people now who say they have trauma? Like, I have trauma because my mother smoked cigarettes when I was growing up?” She said this sarcastically, almost meanly, and I wore the tight smile I wear, in return, when people I should agree with because they are older than I am and friends with my parents say things that I don't agree with at all.
What I have come to understand through my studies and through my own healing journey is that we ALL (yes, ALL) have trauma. The word ‘trauma’ is so loaded, so heavy, and often we say to ourselves, “I've had a pretty good life, I don't have any trauma.” But in many ways, life is, inherently, traumatic. Trauma is what happens when we leave our mother's womb, squeeze ourselves through a flesh tunnel, and open our eyes to the cold, bright world. This is not to say that certain people's brith stories aren't more difficult or scary than others, but I think we can all agree that birth, in general, is likely very uncomfortable at best.
Where trauma begins to shape us is where we aren't given the proper resources to overcome such experiences. A baby who is born and immediately gets to be held by its loving mother has the opportunity to recover from the fear and discomfort it just experienced. It gets to cry and, through that energetic release, regulate itself back to a calm state. It gets to taste warm milk for the first time, to get wrapped up in a warm blanket, and to go to sleep. But if for any reason - due to medical complication with the baby or mother, for example - this does not happen, the baby might not get to fully recover from the fear and discomfort, and the reverberation of that may become locked in its somatic (bodily) memory. This imprint, then, may turn into a vague sense of not being safe in the world that the baby carries with it into adulthood, even though it won't remember why.
Experiences like this continue on throughout our lives. Some are the common discomforts of growing up that we all experience, and some are the special awful things that only seem to happen to us. If we are lucky, we have the kind of parents or caregivers who can help us to recover from the suffering that life presents us. Of course, there is a spectrum of such suffering. And of course, there is a spectrum of caregivers (and their capacity to hold us, as they themselves have been shaped by their own suffering and their own caregivers). And sometimes, very sadly, it is the caregivers that cause harm and suffering (again, likely, because of their own). But I do not know one person who has not experienced suffering. And I also do not know one person who has gotten through the suffering unchanged. The suffering of our lives, as well as the joy, is what shapes us. Thankfully, our wounds can transform into our greatest gifts if we are brave enough to look at them. [side note: This is the meaning of the archetype of Chiron, the wounded healer. You can look up the myth of Chiron if you do not know it; you can also look up where Chiron sits in your astrological birth chart and notice the themes there / if they feel resonant for you].
Our unresolved trauma can keep us from experiencing the pure state of love that is our birthright (touched on in last week's newsletter). When we are hurt, our very smart brains want to protect us from being hurt again. And so, they learn to develop defense mechanisms (or protection patterns) that keep the hurt out. The things that remind us of the past hurt (for example, someone speaking to us in the same way that our abusive mother or ex-boyfriend did) send a signal to our brains that says DANGER. These things are colloquially referred to as "triggers" and are the prickly territory that our friends and lovers inadvertently wander into sometimes.
We may respond to being triggered any number of ways - by running away or hiding, by lashing out in anger, by trying to manipulate, by sabotaging. And while this is all designed for our protection, it often also keeps love away. And, more importantly, we are often not seeing a person or situation clearly when we are triggered - we are seeing through the eyes of our past trauma.
It is often very hard to see our own trauma and protective patterns, especially if we aren't used to looking for them. But likely, you've got some. And usually, if you find yourself in moments of very strong emotion in relationship, there is something of the past at play. The cool news is that there are ways to heal from trauma - and by this, I mean getting to know our protective parts and befriending them so that they do not unconsciously rule our lives anymore. And also learning tools to regulate our nervous systems when triggers throw us into emotional distress.
This is layered, and deep, and vast, and rich territory. I could probably talk about it forever though a myriad of lenses (and I have many book recommendations). For now, I invite you into some journaling if you want to explore how the past may be influencing your present life.
Locating trauma:
First, ground yourself. This can be an uncomfortable topic, and it's always good to make sure that you can feel your feet on the floor and your breath coming in and out of your body before you dive into inner exploration. So, just take a sec. Breathe. Feel your feet. Notice what is happening in your body right now.
Next, think of a place in your life where you're feeling a little stuck. Maybe this is a relationship (to someone or something) that is feeling difficult, or maybe there is a more general theme you've been noticing some frustration around in your life. Just see what pops into your head, and spend a few minutes journaling about the situation.
Now, just close your eyes and sit with the emotion of the situation. Where do you feel it in your body? Is there tension in your neck, behind your eyes? Is there pain anywhere? Are you in your body or do you feel you are somehow floating above it, or next to it? Is there a gesture that wants to happen?
As you notice this - and take your time - just see if anything about this sensation feels familiar. There is no need to force this; just see if anything comes up. And as you are doing this, remember your feet on the ground and your breathing. Just explore lightly, and if it starts to feel like too much you can always come out of the inner experience and do some movement to get back into your body - I love cat-cows for this, or stretching up and then down into a forward fold, or any intuitive movement. Journal any insights that come up about familiarity - you're starting to see the threads that you carry from the past. This is very good information. See if you can bring some tenderness here and to any past versions of you that come forth. Maybe they have something they want to say to you - write this down too. When you're ready to part ways with them (and they with you), let yourself gently ground back in the present.